Living in the now – so often talked about – and sometimes hard to keep to – well actually very hard to keep to. We have such busy lives with lots of plans/ideas/dreams to accomplish its hard not to think of the future. And such a difficult time with letting go of the past, forgiving and taking that breath and that big leap to move forwards after difficult periods.
The weeks while Bryn were in hospital were a time of holding our breath, hoping that the hospital and the hospice could move quick enough so we could get Bryn home .
I still remember the evening of bringing him home – such a vivid memory. Here we were bringing our precious, fragile baby who had a tendency to stop breathing and go blue and so need oxygen and a littlenudge to come back to us. Bringing him from lovely warm, sterile environments to our fairly cold house which is definitely not sterile (housework is not my strongest point ) the house is clean but I could feel there was a danger of seeing germs everywhere. We had been told our baby was ‘immunocompromised’ or some long word – basically a cold had the potential to kill him . Scary stuff.
But that first night when I went to sleep with him snuggled where he was meant to be laying on my chest, safe, warm and loved was what I had been waiting for all those weeks.
The thought uppermost in my mind was that I needed to make everyday count, everyday a perfect memory and everyday a joyful experience. But it was hard. Life with Bryn was a total matter of watching the clock – he needed feeding every two hours, I needed to express milk every two hours – in theory I could express when I was feeding him but reality didn’t always match that theory.
In those two hours I also needed to make sure Bryn’s brother was fed and felt loved and important to. I needed to keep myself fed so I could produce milk. I had a maximum of 4 hours of undisturbed sleep. So yep, it was tiring, stressful and all-consuming.
But everyday I would look at Bryn and he would gaze at me with those intense beautiful blue eyes and the love would well up and make my heart beat so hard. When I held him I could feel my heart thudding against my chest – almost like it knew he couldn’t hear and so needed to feel with all intensity how much love there was for him. It’s beating that hard just now as I type this.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do with all this love – every woman’s question when they are considering their second child is ‘will I have enough love’ women with more children will say ‘your love grows’ and it does I can confirm that, but when that little being isn’t there anymore its hard to know what to do with this overwhelming love. It feels like it is pouring out of you like a broken tap.
Hmmm, I wanted this post to be about learning to live in the now, being present in this very moment – which is what I had to do in those five and a half months. Funny how my fingers and my feeling mind take me a very different road than my thinking brain had planned. But I guess that is living in the now…